a feeling so hard to let go

I don't know if you experience the kind of feeling to the opposite sex that no matter what you do, you just can't get rid of it. You still love that person even though the situation is not in your favor. No matter how hurt you are, you still hoped that she will love you back someday.

I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. She's almost like an angel to me. Every time i am near her, i have this wonderful feeling inside of me. I have this unexplainable feeling of being happy. You probably know what I mean.

Despite of it, for 2 years I was in pain, frustrated and in despair(of course not everyday). Inspite of the pain, frustration, depression, insanity, etc, I still can't let go of my feelings. I tried every means to forget but forgetting her is not so easy. I tried drinking as soon as I get off from work but every time i woke up, she's still there. I tried to go out with others who have interest in me but my mind is still on her. I tried everything and nothing had help me. It's like a tulip that it would come alive every time its' season would come. It's like a seeds that when the rain comes, it grows, or every tree so see during winter times. You might think that it's a dead tree , but wait when the winter is over. The leaves would come out of its branches and turn into a healthy beautiful tree, where the flowers are being blown by the cold spring breeze(I've seen one with flowers)

I hate looking at it. I would imagine myself spraying some kind of chemicals, put gasoline and lit it.....well I did!!! I sprayed a gallon of weed killer hoping to get rid of it. But I still saw it growing every time the rain comes. Later did I found out that I was only trying to kill the outside of it. The roots are still alive and it spring to life every time it rains.

One day, everything falls on me. Frustration, depression, and all of it. everything that you can think of. I have great pity on myself. She didn't do it to me, i did it to myself. I don't know what to do, I don't know where to go and I don't know who to talk to. Feels like its the end of me. But i didn't let it happen. I let my feelings go by crying in the parking lot. I was insane.

Back in high school, I read this book entitled "the power of positive thinking" by Norman Vincent Peale. I could never forget the verse from Philippians 4:13 which somehow had helped me alot in my times of trouble and also in my everyday life.

"I can do all the things through Christ which strengtheneth me" Phil 4:13

At that moment, I gave up and asked God to help me. I submitted myself to Him. I prayed and prayed and told God that I'm going to do as what He says.

Days had passed, crazy things happened, more insanity existed, but my feelings for her is still the same. I didn't loss hoped. I trusted God and told Him that if she's really not the one He wants for me, then i asked Him to help me get rid of her in my mind. I asked Him to give me strenght. So I did was that, every times she crosses my mind, i pray and repeat Philippians 4:13 over and over till it's gone. I would do it alot of times during the day and during the night. And that's no excuse. Happy or sad memory, it got to go.

A week ago, I noticed that I'm not doing it that much anymore. It just fade away. Though my feeling is still there, but all the depressions, frustrations are gone. I am now at peace. If she is the right one or not, God will tell me someday. Now I'm facing tomorrow with open arms and thinking of nobody but Him, and Him alone....Hmmmp drama!!!(as Ramil would say)